If Your Partner Has This One Trait, You’ve Found the Right Person

The Right Person

Recently, I attended a salon on intimate relationships. The topic of discussion was: What makes you want to build a lasting intimacy with your current partner?

People shared their experiences and perspectives, mentioning compatibility in personality, similar backgrounds, and shared values.

However, Ruth’s response caught my attention. She said, “We never run out of meaningless chatter.“

Once, after watching the movie “Willy Wonka” with her boyfriend, they were discussing the magical chocolates on the way home.

Half-jokingly, Ruth said, “I want to try magical chocolates. Can you make them?”

“Sure!” replied her boyfriend.

Subsequently, they engaged in a back-and-forth dialogue, earnestly exploring various aspects:

• How to make magical chocolates?
• What ingredients to use?
• Where to obtain the materials?

Despite spending over an hour discussing, they didn’t come up with a practical plan. Yet, the boundless conversation left Ruth with a sense of infinite satisfaction and joy.

“It’s a feeling of having someone to listen to your needs, accompany your desires, and share happiness with you,” she expressed, describing an experience she had never encountered before—meaningless chatter with someone close.

During her childhood, Ruth’s parents emphasized efficiency, never engaging in pointless conversations or allowing her to indulge in “useless” activities. Any attempt to discuss topics or explore interests not directly related to learning was met with impatience and reproach.

If Ruth wanted to participate in extracurricular activities, her parents evaluated them based on their perceived contribution to learning. If the activity was deemed beneficial, they wholeheartedly supported her, but with added tasks and expectations. If not, they dismissed it as a waste of time, urging her to focus on studies.

In elementary school, when Ruth expressed interest in both calligraphy and painting, her parents judged calligraphy as conducive to learning and enrolled her in a class. Painting, considered non-beneficial, was rejected.

Simultaneously, they inundated her with calligraphy books and daily tasks to monitor her practice. This approach gradually extinguished Ruth’s passion and enjoyment for calligraphy, leading to resistance.

“I felt like my parents were harsh supervisors, and I was merely a learning machine. I felt oppressed and miserable,” Ruth shared, leaving me in contemplation.

Functional Parenting

For an extended period, our education has promoted a “functional parenting” approach, where all attention and love for children revolve around a specific function, most commonly learning. This mirrors Ruth’s parents, demanding every aspect of her life to align with educational goals.

While such an approach may instill an early awareness of learning, its limitations and drawbacks in a child’s development are evident.

Primarily, it imparts to the child an “instrumental experience”:

“I am a learning tool, not a complete person.”

Ruth revealed that, for a significant period of her growth, learning was her sole task and the only source of value. Whenever she considered activities beyond learning to relax, an inner voice admonished her:

“Hurry up and study, don’t waste time. If you don’t study, you’ll fall behind and be eliminated.”

This voice incessantly supervised her, leaving her with no room for slackness or relaxation.

At that time, learning for Ruth was not an intrinsic passion or pursuit but rather a requirement internalized from her parents—a habitual self-compulsion.

Furthermore, it teaches children a specific “interpersonal pattern”:

Connect with others based on utility, but struggle to achieve genuine intimacy.

During college, Ruth had multiple suitors, ultimately choosing F, who excelled in academics, believing it would benefit her studies. However, she found the relationship stifling.

Whenever she sought to discuss matters with F, he provided quick standard answers. If she expressed confusion, F grew impatient, even disdainful, labeling Ruth as foolish.

Eventually, F, accepted into a prestigious foreign graduate school, broke up, claiming Ruth couldn’t keep up with his pace of growth. Devastated, Ruth sank into depression and self-doubt.

This romantic episode brought not warmth, connection, and intimacy but rather a utilitarian scrutiny, habitual criticism, and devaluation.

In summary, whether in the process of growing up or during college relationships, Ruth experienced more suppression and pain than joy and satisfaction.

Reflective Parenting

It is evident that functional parenting may enhance a child’s growth efficiency but inadvertently stifles their sense of self-identity and the ability to form intimate connections.

Is there a parenting method that can cultivate a child’s enthusiasm for growth and simultaneously foster their sense of self-identity and the ability to form intimate connections?

Indeed, there is.

Psychologist Carl Rogers advocates for “reflective parenting,” where parents act as mirrors reflecting the authentic child.

It does not require children to develop specific functions based on parental standards or wishes. Instead, it encourages children to develop themselves according to their autonomous will.

In practical terms, reflective parenting comprises three dimensions:

1. Do not cultivate children with a specific purpose in mind.

Many parents tend to raise their children with predefined goals or expectations. For instance,

• Parents who didn’t study well in their youth might demand their children to attend prestigious universities;
• Parents with strained relationships might use their children as emotional support, making them surrogate companions.

Regardless of a child’s genuine needs and desires, parents often guide them towards a specific function.

This not only restricts the child’s development of autonomous will but also stifles the joy and value of their growth.

If parents genuinely love their children, they should set aside personal goals and expectations, respecting the child’s needs and desires.

It’s crucial to recognize that a child is an independent entity, not an extension of the parent’s life.

2. Patiently listen to a child’s “meaningless chatter.”

When six-year-old Duo Duo heard about an earthquake on TV, he asked his dad, “How many people died in the earthquake?”

His dad gave a numerical answer.

After a few minutes, Duo Duo asked again, “How many children died in the earthquake?”

His dad hesitated for a moment and provided an approximate number.

After a few more minutes, Duo Duo asked, “How many kindergarten children died in the earthquake?”

His dad, losing patience, exclaimed, “Are you done? Hurry up and do your homework!”

On the surface, such seemingly pointless conversations appear meaningless.

However, if the dad could respond with more patience, he might realize:

Duo Duo was expressing his unspoken fear—what if an earthquake happens, what should he do?

If parents genuinely want to understand a child’s inner world, they should patiently respond to the child’s questions. In the process of unrestrained expression, we gradually comprehend the genuine intent behind the child’s “meaningless chatter” and establish an internal emotional connection.

3. Allow children to do “useless” things.

Five-year-old Jack, hands on his hips, continuously jumped around, looking somewhat comical.

“What are you doing?” his mom asked.

“I’m trying to lift myself up,” Jack replied.

“Did you succeed?” his mom continued.

“No, I always fall down,” Jack said with a troubled expression.

“Why do you fall down?” his mom asked.

“I don’t know; I’ll ask the teacher tomorrow,” Jack responded.

Throughout the interaction, Jack’s mom neither mocked nor stopped him, nor did she rush to provide a standard answer. Instead, she allowed the child to experiment, guiding him through thought-provoking questions, encouraging him to think, and ultimately letting him find the answers.

This process is a child’s autonomous formation, a necessary path for continuous learning, thinking, and growth.

A Child Raised in Reflective Parenting

They see themselves in relationships, gaining self-identity; They see others in relationships, forming close connections.

Ruth’s boyfriend is a designer, creative and highly regarded in his field. Initially, Ruth was attracted to him based on his talent.

However, she struggled to adapt to his seemingly “unproductive” tendencies. During holidays, while Ruth continuously engaged in extracurricular learning, her boyfriend either played video games or studied plants, never focusing on formal education.

Ruth, unable to tolerate this, unconsciously interfered, urging him to do something useful instead of wasting time.

Her boyfriend neither argued nor compromised but calmly said, “I like it, and I find it joyful.”

Later, when Ruth faced significant work pressure, she began collecting various funny emojis to relieve stress. Once, she accidentally sent a batch to her boyfriend, embarrassedly retracting them.

Unexpectedly, her boyfriend saw them, and a few minutes later, he responded with a similar emoji.

“Haha, found a kindred spirit,” Ruth thought, continuing to exchange dozens of emojis. In this silent and amusing exchange, Ruth’s mood lightened.

She had always assumed her boyfriend shared her interest in collecting emojis.

During a casual conversation, she asked about it, and her boyfriend replied, “No, I rarely collect these emojis. It was just to accompany you and entertain you.”

In that moment, Ruth felt unexpectedly moved.

Turns out, doing boring things isn’t subject to reproach. There might even be someone willing to accompany you through the boredom.

Experiencing the warmth of being seen and accepted, Ruth no longer criticized her boyfriend’s seemingly “unproductive” habits. She began sincerely communicating with him, understanding the joy he found in playing video games and studying plants, strengthening their relationship.

In conclusion

In any relationship, if efficiency is the sole focus, lacking mutual recognition and connection,

It becomes a cold, emotionless bond that fails to provide emotional nourishment.

The most sincere acknowledgment between people is hidden in purposeless “meaningless chatter”;

The most genuine connection between people is concealed in trivial “useless” acts.

Let’s hope that with our partners and children, we engage in more “meaningless chatter” and undertake more “useless” activities, whether busy or free.

Sometimes, meaningless chatter is the most beautiful conversation, and useless activities become the most heartwarming memories.

May this article serve as a reminder and inspiration to you.